Letting go of your loved ones when they hurt you with their negative attitudes

Today I feel sad that my brother does not understand that it is ruining his life to keep hating our parents for being so sick and for dying so young. I tell him over and over that his life is his responsibility now and if he does not let go of the resentment and blame that he has for them, he will never be able to have the happy life he wants.

Sometimes it seems that he, along with millions of other people in this world, is addicted to his negative feelings. He holds on so tightly to his memories of the horrible things that happened to him. I am sorry those things happened but I was hurt by them too. I forgive them because they did not know any better. I know they loved all of their children but it was not their fault that they had no idea how to take care of themselves never mind 5 children. My brother was born with a severe facial abnormality called bilateral cleft lip. He had 24 surgeries growing up.

I became angry at him last night as we spoke on the phone and he again started to blame our parents for his problems in life. I hung up on him. I wish that I could help him in some way but all I can do is pray that he will be ok and that he will know that I love him.

I know that the things that happen to us in life can make us stronger or they can take us down. I have chosen after 50 years of misery, to live my life full of love, forgiveness, faith and happiness. These are all things that no money can buy, no parent can take from you and it is born into the world right along with you as a gift to bring to others while you are here. I intend to do this for as long as I live now.

There is one really wonderful thing that I can take from the experience with my brother. I can listen to his stories and see how often he moves into the past when it has anything to do with something he could be doing wrong, and remember how not long ago I too was thinking in much the same way. My thoughts were so negative and I could not pull my head away from them. There were times when I became so depressed over the thought that my mother had made me mentally ill and I was afraid that I was beyond help. I really believed that I would never get better. I was wrong and so is my brother about himself. If a person is even slightly aware that they are acting and thinking in dysfunctional ways, than they are not beyond help.

My help came when I experienced a feeling of love for someone who was going through a tragic experience and was lashing out at everyone because of his anger. I was stubborn and would not give up on him and kept trying to convince him that he should let me be there for him during this time. I knew that he cared deeply for me but he was so confused and hurt by what he was going through and he knew better than I did, that he needed time to heal alone. I was devastated and took this as rejection. As I looked deeper into another persons pain, I began to understand that it was not rejection. This person was in his own world of hurt. I was actually causing him more pain by resisting his attempt to correct his thinking without taking another person down.

I slowly became aware that he was doing what was right for himself. It made me admire him for not wanting or needing immediate gratification. This is what many human beings do when they are in a pain that is too much for them to think about. It was amazing to me that he was trying to help me to grow up because he could see I had been damaged by the actions of others. I had not seen my own strength to have survived and succeeded in life where many who had been through the things I had, may not have had as much determination to have a better life. He had to get angry with me when I became sad about my injustices in life. Many times he hung up on me when I refused to hear from him that I was strong and would be just fine. I wanted to continue lamenting and carrying on so that he would have a reason to feel sorry for me. I suddenly realized that I was trying to manipulate him by crying. He knew it also. He remained my friend through all of it.

It took me 2 years and many therapist appointments to get to where I am now. I have come very far and I feel so much better ever day. I love to find new things about my behavior and thoughts that still need to be worked on. I am not afraid to do the anything that needs to be done. This is something that will never be finished until the day my heart stops beating. Today I enjoy life and everyone around me. I see things in a different and brighter way all the time. I remember that not long ago, I had no hope to ever be happy. There was an emptiness inside of me that I felt would only grow until it consumed me. If I had not found my friend who had what it took to shake me awake, I believe that this darkness would have taken my life away, just the same as it is taking my brothers life. Just as it took my mothers and my fathers lives away. I am a survivor and I refuse to let darkness and sickness harm me in any way ever again.

Love and my faith in God, combined with the love and support of my many friends, will always be the light and the promise of a happy life. Gratitude instead of blame and resentment will keep me from losing sight of the big important picture. This is my life and nothing that has ever been done or said to me will hold me back from being the absolute best that I can be. I love my family, my job and my wellness. I also love my friend. He was a crucial part of my recovery and transformation. Most of all, I love myself so much today. I can’t let anyone’s negative attitude take that away. Not even someone that I love as much as my brother. He will have to find the answer deep inside of himself or he will end up just like our parents. It is rather ironic that what he resents and hates so much about them, he has become himself.